Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a popular framework used and referred to by counsellors and psychologists and can help individuals work towards secure attachment and relationships. It allows them to make sense of certain behaviours that show in early relationships and romantic relationships later in life. Attachment theory can help a counsellor or psychologist identify patterns that may be hindering the formation of a secure and healthy relationship. Oftentimes, individuals may be dominant in one attachment style; however, they can still demonstrate behaviours and coping methods from other attachment styles, making a unique style of dealing with pain, hurt, and trauma accumulated throughout their experiences with each relationship.

Attachment theory indicates that the quality of the bond and relationship between a child and their primary caregiver (oftentimes the mother, but can also be a father or guardian) is crucial in the development and formation of the attachment style (Simpson & Rholes, 2017). There are four attachment styles, including secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. The healthy and most beneficial attachment style is the secure attachment, and often one that individuals with an unhealthy attachment style will strive to develop. An example of a secure attachment is the primary caregiver giving consistent care, attending to their child’s needs, and allowing the child to develop trust and security in the relationship. Conversely, if the caregiver is dismissive of their child’s needs and avoids giving their child care, positive regard, and tending to them, the end result may be the child developing an avoidant attachment style since they had to develop independence and soothe themselves. A caregiver who is showing inconsistent and neglectful behaviour towards their child may lead to anxious and or disorganized attachment styles, which may also result in the child monitoring their caregiver’s moods and emotions. Counsellors can identify an individual’s behaviours and coping methods to assess which attachment style they may most likely have, allowing them to understand why certain traits and patterns show up in their adult relationships, working towards a more secure attachment in themselves.

Attachment Styles and Future Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships are shown to be impacted by attachment styles and can have negative and positive effects on the relationship dynamic. For example, positive effects such as feeling heard and understood, and respecting boundaries are signs of a healthy and secure attachment. However, an insecure attachment style such as an avoidant or anxious attachment, may put strain on the relationship, making one partner feel rejected, misunderstood, or perceived as needy. Interestingly, studies show that anxiously attached individuals will often be attracted to avoidantly attached individuals and vice versa since it allows individuals to remain in their comfortable pattern of either earning their partner’s love and attention or distancing from their partner’s overly affectionate behaviour (Cassidy et al., 2013; Simpson & Rholes, 2017). Individuals who are anxiously attached often have a strong need for closeness and intimacy and tend to fear abandonment and rejection, making them seek reassurance from their partners. Avoidantly attached individuals often feel uncomfortable if there is too much closeness in the relationship, making them feel suffocated, resulting in them distancing in an attempt to preserve their emotional well-being and maintain their independence. This fundamental difference in attachment styles can lead to challenges in relationships. Understanding these attachment styles can help individuals navigate their relationships more effectively. It’s important for partners to communicate openly about their needs and fears, working towards creating a secure and supportive emotional bond. By recognizing and addressing these attachment patterns, individuals can strive for healthier and more fulfilling romantic relationships. 

Work With a Counsellor to Create a Secure Attachment Style

Many people have an insecure attachment, including an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment, which developed during their early childhood years towards their primary caregiver. Recognizing the behaviours, patterns, and thoughts that trigger your insecure attachment is necessary to start changing them and creating a sense of security in your relationships, thus striving towards a secure attachment. Talking to a registered clinical counsellor may help in exploring early childhood experiences and uncovering deep fears, such as a fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of independence when entering a romantic relationship. At Straight Path Counselling, our registered clinical counsellor can help you understand the deep-rooted issues that developed during childhood and work through them in a compassionate, understanding, and helpful way to start working towards a secure attachment style that will benefit you and your partner. 

Book your session today with one of our counsellors at Straight Path Counselling to start your conversation and work towards a more secure attachment within yourself and your relationships.

References

Cassidy, J., Jones, J. D., & Shaver, P. R. (2013). Contributions of attachment theory and research: A framework for future research, translation, and policy. Development and Psychopathology, 25(4), 1415–1434. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579413000692

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, S. W. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13(1), 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006